and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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