What a fucking waste of an outfit
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
