I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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