I'm going to jail i love you
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
