Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize