yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
