I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
