he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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