I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
