Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
