my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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