He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Can you repeat that, but with context?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
