and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
