Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
