i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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