I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
