she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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