You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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