she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
