Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
