Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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