i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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