Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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