i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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