You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I want to be your penis for a week.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
