Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
