I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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