i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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