Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
