why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm passing your future prison.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
