from now on my penis is your penis
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
