he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize