that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
