I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sext me about skeletons
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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