You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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