He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
