Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
