i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
