Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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