Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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