so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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