Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
