can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
