sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
