I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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