My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
