its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
