You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize