you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Im part way to drunk.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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