Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
