Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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