If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
