hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
