Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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