Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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